I woke up around 3 AM Friday morning after a terrible nightmare. It was one of those dreams where you can't get back to sleep no matter how hard you try.
I dreamed that I was in a large room giving a speech to a big audience. I was wrapping up my talk when a woman stood up in the audience. She looked familiar, but I still don't know who she was. She said "Heather you have a way of sounding like you know everything, but really you are just a FAILURE!"
This feeling of failure has spilled over into everything I've touched since waking that morning.
Honestly, I'm battling it even now.
Reality says I just built this site to promote a book that may not be in print much longer. It looks pretty dark and hopeless.
However, I'm not blind. Over and over this week God has put me in situations where I'm forced to start over. Rebuild. I have noticed the pattern.
Tomorrow I will be calling the WA State Attorney General. Beyond that I will be working to prepare two sites for my company that I am rebuilding from the ground up. It will be a busy day.
There is this uneasy feeling trying to edge its way in to defeat me, but despite it and the very real issues I am facing, I feel an opportunity building.
The tenth was my Mother-in-law's birthday. We lost her in May and she is on every one's thoughts, including mine.
The last time she visited Oklahoma she bought me a gift. It was a plaque that reads "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow".
This is encouraging me right now.
I'm not a failure, I'm tenacious. I'm not outwitted or outsmarted, I'm a survivor.
I'm held. My situation, my fears, the obstacles staring me down are all held by a mighty God.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 76:26
He's got this.